Humorous Wedding Speech

A huge part of the post-grad life is attending all of the benchmark events of your friends and acquaintances. But if I can be rather blunt with you, I don't want to go to your Jack and Jill bridal shower. I don't want to go to your engagement party. I will go to your bachelor party because that goes without saying. But if you have a kid, can I just send a card? Do I have to attend a 1 yr old's birthday party? That's the easiest birthday to make it to because your literally attached to a tit the entire year. It shouldn't be a monumental occasion. One thing you can count me in for, however, is your housewarming party.

First off, let's talk about the culinary environment. If you've purchased a home, you most likely have a grill. Any event with a BBQ is automatically a win. Grilled meats? Hello. Pasta

A lot of beer. Anyone worth their salt will be supplying at least a portion of the days liquor. You just bought a 6 figure piece of property. What's another couple bucks to stock that flower pot turned cooler with some cold lattes? This means your boy is drinking for free. And for that, I thank you. The only shitty part about this aspect is some poor asshole has to be the one to drive home. When a majority of your friends are scattered throughout the state in areas where the ride sharing industry is not sustainable, someone has to bite the bullet and stay (relatively) sober for the event. This is just a minor bump in the road because the other 3 house warming parties you will attend throughout the year are fair game for you to get housed while your carpooling buddies take their turn behind the wheel. And you better believe I'll be in the back either napping or slugging tweas inconspicuously out of a 7/11 Big Gulp the entire ride home. And hey, maybe you're lucky enough to know some well-to-dos who have three spare bedrooms and can put your drunk ass up for the night. This is best case scenario and if this is the case, I'd like to be your