Humorous Speech by an Old Friend of the Groom (Bridegroom)

Humorous Speech by an Old Friend of the Groom (Bridegroom)

Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen.

On behalf of the bridesmaids, I would like to thank Michael for his kind words, and I have to say they were absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job today - I mean the bridesmaids, not the words.

Now, it's customary in these speeches to tell a story about the bachelor’s (stag) party, but in this case it won't be possible. That's because Michael has insisted on having his stag party after the wedding. So instead, I was going to tell you about a night out in the big city that Michael and I recently had, which involved beer, bad food and Michael bent over the toilet all night. But this is Magdalene’s day as well, and I don't want to ruin it with Michael's vulgarity. So I've decided to look elsewhere for my material.

I started by writing down everything I could think of that Michael and I have done over the 23 years we've been friends (mates). But even this wasn't particularly fruitful, as a lot of it would have got Michael strung up by his mom (mum), some of it would have got me strung up by my mom (mum) and some of it simply involved Michael stringing himself up with a couple of vacuum cleaners within easy reach. So, as it was quite challenging coming up with anything of real substance to tell you about Michael, I thought I’d explain how our bride and groom got together.

‘The romance began,’ as Magdalene describes it, ‘after an outing to the cinema was arranged with five or six mutual friends. But on the night, only Michael and I could make it. We enjoyed each other's company so much we went out together every evening for the rest of the week.’ ‘The romance began,’ as Michael describes, ‘after Magdalene individually bribed six people to pull out of a trip to the cinema so she could finally have an evening alone with me to curse me with her love spell.’ There also seems to be some confusion over which film they saw together that night. Magdalene remembers it to be 'Demolition Man'. Michael remembers it as 'Free Willy'.

Despite meeting Magdalene, Michael didn’t desert me and we pursued our interests in gambling, excessive drinking, Playstation and being sick a lot. For me, the most significant moment during this time was Michael getting his ear pierced - even back then he was preparing for marriage - experiencing pain, hurt and buying jewellery.