A Cuban immigrant rises in rank within a brutal drug cartel organization, while alienating and endangering his family.
STORY COMMENTS ON FIRST 30 PAGES
REGRET presents as an epic dramatic, cartel crime film. Comparable films are THE GODFATHER and GOODFELLAS. The main character being of Cuban descent makes this script stand out as being more unique.
The script is driven by solid themes about power, control, redemption, revenge, and regret.
The first 30 pages establish the protagonist’s ordinary life, as he rises in ranks within a brutal drug cartel organization. This domain is depicted as violent and seduction. There’s betrayal, double crosses, romance, and murder. All of these elements fit appropriately for this type of world.
The first act features Ramon
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“the pit-bull” Velez as the protagonist and his rise and fall and rise again in the ranks of the cartel. Ironically, while Velez is clearly a violent man and makes dangerous and wrong choices, the audience is easily pulled inside his world and the viewer roots for him. The script balances Velez’s violent world within the cartel against his personal life as a husband and a father. Velez seems to be a man who wants to rise in the ranks and make a statement. It would be nice to hear him verbalize what exactly he hopes to become for the audience to understand his goal more clearly. Is his desire to be the head of the family or begin his own cartel or something else? Perhaps just add a sentence or two to clarify his desire for power and to be respected. His feelings towards his family are a bit more vague, especially towards Carmen. He’s clearly smitten with his daughter and he’s indifferent to Ramon. With Carmen, it’s simply not clear. He claims he loves her and marries her, but at his own wedding he flirts with other women. In the first act he shows little affection towards Carmen. While the audience still roots for him, this does make it a bit more challenging to fully care about Velez. Perhaps if he were more charming like the character in GOODFELLA, who cheated on his wife, but there was still something very charming about him that made him very likable. The story opens with a nice VO that engages. It’s establishes the idea of regret: “There’s some things I wish I could have done different…” This plays to the emotional premise or theme about regret – yet, so far, one doesn’t sense any real regret with Velez. Perhaps this comes later. The opening also nicely establishes the violence of the world with the assassination. This is juxtaposed against the beauty of Catianna. To make the transition from violence to beauty just a bit tighter, one might want to end on the blood of the man assassinated and then transition to a “red” scarf on Catianna or something like that. Velez’s pride and need for respect is nicely conveyed when he attacks the salesman. On a smaller note, the later scene (page 5) between Famosa, Julio, and Velez (and later Carmen) still feels a bit awkward in the way it’s described or worded. Consider just rearranging – have Carmen show up after Famosa and Julio walk away. On page 12, when Velez kills Addison, there’s good opportunity to add a witty one-liner from Velez when he stabs him and after Addison says he’ll never be respected. The montage or series of shots are strong. One likes how Nixon declares his war on drugs, turning the tide, and making the world of drug smuggling and trading more difficult. The rest of the first act shows the kids growing up. It highlights Ramon’s alienation and the conflict he has with his father. To note, the audience may suspect that Ramon is not Velez’s son, given the attack and Velez’s indifference towards him. The idea of Sanchez being undercover works well. It’s nicely foreshadowed by his surprise when Velez kills Addison and when he constantly checks his watch. What’s nicely crafted is the “buddy” chemistry between Velez and Sanchez. One feels like they are genuine friends and one likes the idea that Velez actually tries to protect him. The idea of “blood brothers” is solid and telling. Velez faces strong moral choices when he considers assassinating Sanchez, but doesn’t. It solidifies their relationship. The scene in which Sophia is killed is strong – it provides for a nice gritty image. The bully scene with Ramon, Isabella, and Miguel establishes their personalities.
Isabella is strong and feisty and Miguel is protective of Isabella. Ramon is pushed around, but the scene reveals his anger issues when he pushes the boy into the path of the bus. This foreshadows more violence to come.
Catianna whispers to Velez that: She remembers him being inside her. It might work as a line foreshadowing a later reveal or twist, or maybe there’s no need for a line. She’s clearly dangerous and seductive. The tattoo of the serpent is well crafted to convey her personality.
The assassination of Famosa escalates the stakes and is the catalyst that propels the story forward. The bathroom scene after the murder feels a bit awkward. First, cut Velez saying, “Who?” when Ramon wants to know if he’s dead. Consider showing more inner conflict in Velez in the bathroom as he washes his hands – maybe a look at his reflection or rubbing his hands raw. Diego walks in the bathroom, but he shows no emotion to the murder that just took place.
The danger rises with the attempted assassination of Velez. It’s a good scene in which the audience is first teased by the teens in the car, only to then have the real attack
occur. The first act ends with Velez facing a strong choice of running the casino. The scene in which Velez wakes up to see Diego holding the pillow is well crafted. Each of the characters feels very distinctive and their dialogue is congruent to their personalities. They all feel real and genuine. As mentioned, Velez is crafted as ambitious. One believes he wants power and respect, but consider the idea that he verbalizes his goal to help the audience understand him a bit better. Perhaps he doesn’t want a life like his father, etc. Again, it’s unclear how he truly feels about Carmen. He doesn’t seem loving towards her. He doesn’t struggle with how his life choices affect his family. Make sure to balance his vulnerability. Carmen always seems upset and angry with Velez. She sees his need for power. She enables Ramon and senses the alienation between father and son. Ramon is well crafted as a budding psychopath. He’s bitter and angry. The rest of the supporting cast feels believable and authentic. However, it’s a bit unclear whose Velez “main” adversary might be. This may be something to consider. Currently, the ensemble cast feels like they could attract talent. They have depth. They each have a strong voice that reflects their personality. In fact, overall the dialogue sounds sharp. It reveals information about the characters, the themes, and the messages. The tension is what one would expect in a crime, cartel story. It’s a gritty and unpredictable, violent world. There’s solid personal conflict between the characters, which also helps to elevate the tension. A few additional areas to polish: On page 8, Addison wants to know if there’s a significant other. Clarify this, as it’s at Carmen’s wedding reception and one thought she was in her wedding gown, so the question seems inappropriate. Julio is re-introduced a second time: page 13. On page 16, Famosa is talking to someone on the phone, but this person is not identified; yet at the end of the scene it says, “Caesar” hangs up. Clarify this. “Carmen tries to show Ramon affection.” This could be more visual. “Sanchez talks with Sophia.” If they are talking it should be in dialogue format or just show a visual of them in the bedroom before the doorbell rings. Saying Ramon has a “guise of instability” can’t be seen. However, his actions actually convey this well. Clarify or visually show, ”Discerning his disdain” – what does this mean? Carmen goes from yelling at Velez to hugging him. Show visually or clarify how her mood changes. In summary, the first 30 pages provides for a persuasive and convincing world. The characters shine. The audience is engaged enough with this world to want to see what happens.
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Regret, something that one grieves the loss of seems to imply a deep emotional state, an inability to accomplish or even a sense of failure. I prefer to think of regret as a missed opportunity as is shown in the following tale.
The following essay examines the definitions of organized crime from the Federal Bureau of Investigations and the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime and how they relate to or are applicable to Pablo Escobar in his leadership role of his organization, known as the Medellin Cartel. Furthermore, an analysis of Pablo Escobar through Mark Bowden’s book Killing Pablo: The Hunt for the World’s Greatest Outlaw, provides a look at Columbia’s social climate during Escobar’s reign and its contribution to his outlaw sense of social justice, his self-image, and his strength and weaknesses which ultimately resulted in the collapse of his organization and his expiration.