Best Man Speech - Assassination of the Groom's Character

Best Man Speech - Assassination of the Groom's Character

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. I am going to keep this speech fairly short because of my throat; the bride said that if I made fun of the groom too much she would cut it.

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I would like to thank the groom for those kind words and gifts. As I'm sure you will all agree, they all look absolutely beautiful and have carried out their role splendidly, so I think a round of applause for the bridesmaids is definitely in order.

Just before I start the groom's character assassination, the bride was telling me earlier in the day that her pharmacy was broken into last week. The thief apparently stole ten boxes of condoms and ten boxes of viagra. The police are now looking for a hardened criminal.

Next day a woman walks into the shop and asks her for some bottom deodorant, puzzled she replies, "I'm sorry we don't sell such a thing, "I beg your pardon" says the woman. “I buy it from here all the time.” "Do you have the empty container from the last time." enquires the bride. "Yes I do”, says

the woman and she walks out to her car, then comes back in with an empty deodorant stick. "This isn't a bottom deodorant madam, it’s just a normal deodorant stick." The woman snatches it out of her hands and reads aloud. "To apply take off lid and push up bottom.”

The groom was born in 1975, a year when the Khmer Rouge invaded Cambodia and Saigon surrendered to the North Vietnamese. So it’s true what they say, these things always happen in threes.

He went to St. Serfs school were he was a rather quiet pupil, until of course, as anyone who knows him, he stepped onto the soccer pitch. He shunned the roll of forward for the more unorthodox "bare knuckle boxer” and "chief shin kicker” role, it was novelty for him to be on the pitch a whole ninety minutes, never mind score goals. He then went on to play for Prestonfield Boys Club and then Napier University football team. Sadly this was to be the end of his sporting career, as this was when he discovered alcohol and women.

After school the groom worked in a Saturday job at Homebase. I spoke to an old work colleague who was only too happy to tell me of his time there.