Being Defensive: An Interpersonal Disorder

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Most of us are defensive in one way or another, so never feel that you are unique in the world. For those who feel you’re not defensive (you’re probably not being honest with yourself), you still must interact with people who are, which is most of us. Being defensive is an interpersonal disorder that slowly destroys love and intimacy, and prevents connection between partners and friends.

When someone is in pain most of us react by “fighting” for ourselves, rather than trying to comfort or understand the other person’s pain. We try and demonstrate how the other person is wrong for feeling the way they do. We’ve all been taught that in the face of pain and conflict that we survive as the one who is right and or justified. Essentially, we don’t understand that pain is a safe emotion to have. In its place, we’ve been taught that pain as something to endure, survive and defeat. …show more content…

Frequently, the more hurt they are, the more defensive and hurtful we are. It is a uniquely human characteristic that is truly strange behavior. However, it is not so strange when you consider that we’ve all been conditioned to believe that we are our own self, the cautiously constructed version of us that we have learned over our lives. And concurrently, we are conditioned to imagine that our self can be altered, harmed and ultimately destroyed by another’s experience of us, particularly when that experience is not consistent with our self. It is no surprise that we are so frightened and defensive when conflict surrounds us. Our conditioning has trained us that who we are strangely fragile, but in truth you are fiercer than anything we

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