Assessment Item 3 Critique

Assessment Item Three Critique

Manuscript Title: 5D

Author of the primary work: Matthew Nichols

Student who is critiquing the manuscript: Sean West

Synopsis:

This story follows James, a journalist too curious for his own good, and his quest to discover the secrets that lay within a cult. People have been going missing, fleeing their families and homes to join this new and sinister revolution. Our Earth is one of many. There are others for each of the five dimensions, and perhaps even more. The Archdeacon has James in his possession and is about to show him a world he could never have imagined in all of his wildest dreams…or wildest nightmares. There, he is greeted by a warped humanoid race called the Jaie (or Angels). These creatures, thought

at first seem both evil and grotesque, are the key to all of this. James just needs to find out how. Before it’s too late.
Idea, Angle and Structure:
The angle of the piece is unique, in that it creates and establishes a world among many. The reader acknowledges that the world we’re living in is not what we think it is and is even drawn into an entirely new one, which is both disturbing and terrifying. This seems new and fresh, as I haven’t heard of any similar ideas to this before, where our Earth is separated into five planets that stand as five dimensions. I feel the story has been influenced by several external sources in films, television and literature. But the author is able to twist these influences into something new and interesting. This contributes to themes of race, alienation, religion and totalitarianism, which are all very compelling. The question put forth in this story is: Are we really alone? And if not, what role does organised religion play in comforting us in the face of this desolation? The story then goes on to answer these questions, or at least allude to some possibilities. The story is structured in a linear fashion. There is clearly a broader story both before and after the narrative, which grounds it in its desired genre.
Technique and Point of View:
Matthew uses the three creative writing techniques of description, exposition and narrative to create an interesting and innovative story.

Each seem quite balanced to each other. There isn’t too much exposition to bog down the flow of the writing. However, I do feel like there is a point at which the dialogue in the exposition becomes quite clunky (Refer to Mechanics section). The description of the settings and characters could be tweaked and improved, so as to enhance the sinister and supernatural elements of the story. I feel this would really increase the quality of the writing and heighten the interest of the reader. The writer’s style is very science-fiction/fantasy-based, which suits the piece very well. This is clearly a genre the writer feels comfortable writing in. He has chosen to attempt world building in this story and I think, for the most part, he pulls it off quite well. The point of view established is third person past tense. I think perhaps playing with first person present tense could give the piece a new spin and make the tension more immediate. But this is ultimately up to the author and not me. The chosen point of view is maintained well throughout and doesn’t lapse into any

confusion.
Voice/Style:
The voice developed here is consistent and appropriate for the story. We see all of the action through James’ eyes, as it is a third person limited point of view. This voice is interesting and suits the themes conveyed throughout. The author’s vocabulary is mostly quite good, although I think there are some instances where adjectives could be improved. In other places, the sentence structure can be a little off. However, the story has a natural progression in plot, moving from one point to the next with relative cohesion. This means that the writing is mostly clear and causes only minimal confusion. The variety of sentence lengths and types is also something the author has established effectively.
Mechanics:
The story is mostly easy to read and conveys its themes to the reader quite well. Here are the grammatical errors and spelling mistakes I was able to find throughout. I have also suggested other ways to improve the structure and quality of the story:
• Would change “ornated” to perhaps embellished or the like, as ornated is not a word
• I like the initial hook of your story “…the fucking things” although I’m not sure what these are if later the Jaie are new and unseen by him, are these simply humans or what else are they? This is only confusing after reading the whole story, I would consider clarifying it though
• You say “I’m so glad” in one sentence, then the same in the next one, find a synonym
• Change “this type of man” to “kind” or “his kind”, seems very clunky
• In “Confident, Determined, rotten to the core…” I’d change it to “Confident [full stop] Determined [full stop] And rotten to the core.” This gives the third description its own space to unnerve the reader, which it deserves because it’s so different from the last two
• Change “He focused on his eyes forward” very awkward
• “staring at him from all sides…” I found this really cool and unnerving
• “Do you give every new member…” I would make this more realistic dialogue, perhaps “You give every new member?” Simple alterations like that in speech can go a long way
• “side” to “sides”
• Change “blazed” –not the right word in this context
• “He began to draw” seems to come out of nowhere, I’d have a sentence before this indicating he’s pulled out a notebook or something of the like
• Would change “number 12D” to “button for 12D”
• Would change “what exactly” to “You’re probably wondering who we exactly worship here. Or What.” This gives the phrase a more ominous tone
• Insert comma after “Well” before “James”
• Would change “That is what 5D is” to “That is 5D”, becomes punchier
• When you say he quotes “Welcome to 5D” he’s not actually quoting anything the Archdeacon says prior, so I would make it so he either does say it, or cut this
• Cut “That’s right”, doesn’t make enough sense and not needed
• Would change “you are 5D…” to “I am 5D. And so are you. So are you.” Once again, gives an eerier vibe to the man
• Cut/Re-word “Despite his line of work…never good at confrontation…valuable journalist…worked hard” as you seem to be contradicting yourself, so he’s not confrontational but journalists are inherently confrontational, yet that somehow makes him a good journalist? This is a flawed logic, I think you should make him more of a confrontational character, as he already tends to speak his mind, James will be far more interesting this way
• Cut or re-word “like he owned whatever room he entered” –too clunky
• Change “easing you into his crazy ideas” into “corrupting you with his flawed ideologies” or something similar, crazy is not a strong adjective in this context
• Cut “couldn’t help but” to just “He felt intimidated”
• Ah, the line “call me Al” triggers the Paul Simon song in me, as I’m sure it would with most readers, even if this was intentional (which I doubt it was), I’d strongly consider changing the name to something a little creepier and less related to Paul Simon
• Cut “The villain had a name”, pretty sure every villain has a name of some sort, this unfortunately reads like a statement of the obvious, but I understand what you were going for, which is further undermined by the name “Al”
• I’d cut “Okay, Al” to make your character stronger willed, he shouldn’t agree with the antagonist straight off the bat, he should be forced to submit later and let there be some tension in the dialogue first
• Cut/change “opened shop” –awkward phrasing
• Re-word “granddaddies” –doesn’t suit your style of writing and what about the grandmothers?
• “Their family’s” to “Their families are”
• Re-word “these guys” –awkward phrasing again, “own family” to “families”
• “ya’ll r’about” should be cut, it feels like you’re forcing a southern U.S. dialect on him at the last minute, undermines the intelligence of the character a little and is jarring
• Cut “Al could crush him…be easy” as you’ve provided no evidence to show Al is a physical threat at all, if you want to go with this, foreshadow his brute strength earlier in the story, perhaps “he punched the button with surprising force” etc.
• “wan’t the best for you”, you mean “want”
• In these two blocks of dialogue between the characters, I feel like a whole lot of exposition is dumped on the reader and feels really heavy and unnecessary, less is more with exposition, even in dialogue, you want the reader knowing as little as possible, yet still feeling satisfied by what they’ve read, be careful
• Cut “seemingly infinitely” two adverbs together is tedious
• “wasn’t necessarily the things he said…way he said it” this feels very clunky/forced, have the actions indicate he’s scared, have his hands shaking rather than explicitly dish it out in exposition, the reader can access the story easier that way
• “James would be convinced…had already planted…” I’m not convinced this is true, the struggle between the two characters seems forced and without justification, have James stand up for himself, don’t let him fold to Al so easily, it would be much more interesting if he had more of a backbone, Al hasn’t even said anything that influential yet
• “something about being human” I don’t remember him ever saying that, would also cut “if you wanna convince me” –he’s not struggling with Al enough, give him some fight
• Cut “slowly” from creeped, you can’t creep quickly
• Cut “duo”, they’re not united
• Cut or re-word “to the one from before” too many words, not needed
• Cut “foreseeable” from distance
• Cut or re-word “old door made purely of wood” is this important?
• “The Five Dimensions” so each planet is a different dimension, how are the 1D and 2D planet’s in existence, they would be flat images without life or movement, could expand this more and cover your bases
• Cut “as the two walked” we know they’re walking already
• Cut “into something much more sinister” it’s much creepier if you don’t explicitly say it, just say “Changing/Morphing/Deforming”
• Re-word “What does 4D have different from...?” too clunky
• “hearty grin” is not the right wording, he’s not a hearty character, a slippery grin would be better
• “and a grazed” should be no “a” there
• “beyong” to “beyond”
• “goated” isn’t a word
• Cut “very” from world, also cut “semed to” and “to travel”
• Cut/re-word “Forward” of course he can only go forward through a door, he can’t go sideways through it
• Better adjectives instead of “beautiful” and “small”, “small” is also incorrect, as it’s not a small place, it’s a whole other dimension, describe it as such, maybe at first it appears quite modest, but opens up to reveal a much greater landscape
• Can describe this place in eerier detail, feels very unclear what you’re trying to describe, I think the setting should suit the sinister race that inhabits it
• “Its” to “It’s… disgusting deformity”, also awkward phrasing, it IS the disgusting deformity smiling, not something it owns that smiles for it
• “Its” to “It’s”
• “Its” to It’s” also before “malformed limbs” further down
• “It did the smile again” I actually really like this, it’s not simply smiling, it’s doing “the smile” that’s pretty damn creepy, almost like a mask worn
• Insert “look” between “I” and “forward” otherwise doesn’t make sense
• Cut “attached” doesn’t make sense
• Key to “taking us to 5D Earth” this is a massive load of exposition thrown on the reader, be more subtle with it. Perhaps “they have a pivotal part to play in all of this.”
• “in the room” needs to be cut, it’s not a room anymore, it’s another dimension, be consistent
• “take is there” to “take us there”
• I would make it that James psychically cannot write in the 4D realm, this protects the secrecy of the cult, while also providing a sinister supernatural spin to your world, this would improve the over-all tension of your piece also, the journalist spy is unable to spy no matter how hard he tries, his hand won’t write, the page deforms beneath the weight of his pen, the ink dries up even though he only bought it yesterday, anything you want
• “Demons wouldn’t even describe it” here you really are underestimating the horror of a demon, they are the epitome of evil, I would cut or re-word this
• “their away” doesn’t make sense, typo
• Cut “it was something truly frightening” by saying this, you’re making it less scary, let the reader connect the dots and judge if it’s scary or not on their own, trust your reader
• “Where are yo-“ Change to “Where are you –we- going?”
• “Al’s smile was” to “seemed”, he’s still unsure if he can trust him, he really has no proof to trust him other than his word, and what good is that?

• “Ill” to I’ll” no, I’d actually change it to “We’ll show you” –much, much creepier, as if “they” have been listening the entire time, less hopeful tone, turns out to be much darker

Publication:

I think there is a fair amount of work to do before this work would be suitable for publication. But the core structure and voice of the story is definitely interesting and engaging. I’d stick with it, sort out the mechanical errors and trim the prose to a concise, hard-hitting final copy. I enjoyed reading editing this story very

much.