A Proposal to Restore Family Unity in America

For many people throughout the United States, it is a melancholy but common sight to see broken families, separated children, and squabbling spouses. In a society in which over 20% of marriages end in divorce, it is not surprising that the majority of today’s children grow up in a one parent marriage. The National Center for Health Statistics estimates that in 1993, about 1,187,000 divorces were granted in the U.S., affecting 1,075,000 children. Sadly, some children are even deprived of seeing their mother or father throughout their entire childhood. Many others are allowed to visit one of their parents only once or twice a month. This lack of family unity results in emotional and psychological problems for both the parents and the children.

I think it is agreed by most people that the increasing rate of divorce and the problems related to it are subjects of great concern. In fact, anyone who could devise a plan that would restore family unity and bring meaning to the line “till death do you part” deserves a medal.

Having turned my thoughts to the issue for several years now, I have developed a reasonable solution. I humbly propose that the government create a new department, The Department of Marriage Control and Enforcement (DMCE). It will be the job of this agency to prevent troubled marriages from occurring in the first place and to eliminate divorces all together. After a couple has recited their vows, the tradition of exchanging wedding rings will be abolished. Instead, a DMCA official will lock a steel ring onto the bride and the groom. The steel rings will symbolize the newly wedded couple’s commitment to one another and the fact that their future time together has no end. The DMCA official will then weld a three-foot-long chain to each ring, forcing the couple to remain together at all times. Chaining a couple together will prevent couples from obtaining a divorce because the couples will be chained together for the rest of their life. Since couples will be chained together, they will be forced to think long and hard about marriage before they exchange their vows.

Additionally, chaining a couple together will result in increased communication between wives and husbands. Because they will always be together, they will be required to communicate with each other. No secrets will exist between the two. Also, adultery will be greatly reduced due to t...

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...any the adults to work and learn their parents’ trade. Most of the parents who have children will accompany their children to school and receive payment for expenses from a certain pool created by working families. After the child is unchained at age 18, the couple can then resume work, unless they have more than one child.

If the reader finds this humble proposal objectionable, let him not talk of other solutions: of requiring marriage preparation classes in order to obtain a marriage license: of making divorces harder to obtain: of offering counseling free of cost to troubled couples: of increasing the costs of divorce so that individuals will have to think harder about pursuing one: lastly, of requiring certain classes to high schoolers that explain the consequences of divorce for both the couple and the children.

Therefore, I repeat, let no man speak to me of these or like expedients until he has some reasonable idea of how to put them into practice.

I hereby pronounce that this proposal has been created to promote the well-being and happiness of families everywhere. I have no motive other than the well being of society because I am not married and do not have children.