My Mistake

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Is life worth living, if you don’t see anything in front of you…?.”

“Oh night in which the stars feign light, all night that alone is the size of Universe, make me, body and soul, part of your body, so that-being near darkness- I’ll lose myself and become night as well without any dreams as stars within me, nor a hoped for sun shining with the future” (F.Pessoa, “Book of Disquiet”, passage 280 ). How do I begin to tell you the story of myself? To tell you how hard it is to fight with the inner you? Let me try to express my feelings about the story, which I would never read again, the story of myself.

“Is it worth to live, if you don’t see anything in front of you: neither your future, nor what you want from your life?” I was walking towards the ocean and was thinking about my life‘s mistakes. Life got totally screwed up, everything went wrong. Before, I was an example of the perfect man: I was studying and dreaming about the future, I did not do anything abnormal, and I was proud of myself. And who am I now? The person, - who lost himself in this world; in the ocean of mistakes and uncertainty. I did a lot of stupid things, and even realized that I never tried to change my life”

The weather this night was beautiful: the sky was surprisingly clear, and it seemed that every star was like a mirror, which reflected your image. He reached the beach, sat on the sand and his look stared far away. Refreshing breeze was coming from the side of the ocean and moon shone far away in the sky. He was afraid of the thoughts in his head and scared of them becoming a reality. Somehow he felt that something was going to happen, maybe all of it was just a wish to change his life, no one would know that, only stars and the moon could predict the future and they were “laughing” at him seeing him struggling.

He was looking far away in this big tunnel of darkness, trying to find out something new, trying to see her, the woman of his dreams. He closed his eyes just for one moment, and his mind flew away somewhere very far, somewhere he was dreaming to be. In this moment he felt that someone came to him from behind: had put their head on his shoulder, gently kissed his neck, touched his cheek, - his heart started to beat faster and even harder.

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