Humorous Wedding Speech by an Old Roomate (Flatmate)

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Humorous Wedding Speech by an Old Roomate (Flatmate)

Well, congratulations to Herman and Connie. I assume that you are now expecting me to have a bit of fun at Herman's expense. Well, the only trouble is, Herman's expenses have been so high today that I’m not sure how much more he can take.

Herman and I have been great friends (mates) for a long time now, and inevitably we've shared many things over the years: football; college; my driving license when Herman didn't have one - and now, a wedding table. Who'd have thought it?

We also shared an apartment (a flat) for a short time. Not long after finding a place together I realised his biggest hate in life – housework! And why? Because you have to make the beds and do the dishes. Then six months later you have to start all over again.

But we had a good understanding and split everything down the middle. It was my job to get the take-out, Herman’s job to get the beer, my job to clean the bath room, Herman’s job to clean the kitchen. And I’m not joking, when Herman was done with the kitchen you could eat of that floor … there was lots of food still down there.

On the whole, though, living with Herman was a pleasurable experience. Having said that, there weren’t any books in our flat, so when the Satellite dish stopped working we actually had to talk to each other.

Now, I'd like to think I taught Herman a thing or two before he got a place of his own, especially about women. Imagine the shock I got when out of the blue he called me to say that he had got engaged, the things that go through a best friend’s mind. Mostly about mail order brides, one-way tickets from Thailand and subscriptions to Gay Connections Monthly. Then when I heard that it was Connie, I was filled with much relief and happiness.

Because when it came to finding a wife, Herman couldn't have been luckier. Connie is a fantastic person and, as I'm sure you will all agree, looks stunning today. I have a great deal of respect and admiration for her. And, being a nurse, she has the added bonus of already being familiar with dealing with incontinence and impotence on a daily basis.

Since Herman met Connie, I have seen a change in him.

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"Humorous Wedding Speech by an Old Roomate (Flatmate)." 19 Mar 2018
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He has become very house proud and domesticated - in fact, Herman cut his new lawn the other day for the first time, which was a very proud moment for him. But this new domesticity has led to some very strange tendencies. Only the other day, we were sitting outside our local and, all of a sudden, Herman became very envious of their hanging baskets. Herman, I warn you now - soon it will be self-assembly furniture from IKEA and the desire to own your own shed.

But I don’t think I can ever expect to meet a happier couple, so I would like you all take this opportunity to wish Herman and Connie a long and wonderful future together. As individuals, you are both so warm and giving, and, as a pair, you are simply complete.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to the bride and groom. To Herman and Connie.

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