I’m Not Chinese Anymore and I’m Never Going to be an American

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I’m Not Chinese Anymore and I’m Never Going to be an American

I could open this piece with a clear statement, a thesis or controlling idea of some sort—a brief preview for you, my reader, of what is to come and what is to be told. However, I won't.

Instead, please close your eyes for a minute—just for a minute—and imagine yourself sitting before a young East Asian girl. You know she's East Asian because of her black hair, off-white skin, a pair of ebony eyes and a nose that is just a bit too flat to be mistaken for an Indian. Sitting in an armchair with her left arm supporting her cheek, she stares at you for a little while then starts to speak—slowly, thoughtfully, almost tonelessly:

"I was born in China and came to United States about four years ago, when I was thirteen. I had no idea what the world was then, even though I thought I did. And this very moment, four years later, I still have no idea what the world is. I've seen more parts of it, true. But the puzzle pieces refuse to come together somehow. People often ask me if I'm a Chinese living in America or an American born in China. An unanswerable question, yet how can you hope to understand life without knowing who you are? I am not Chinese anymore; there is no purpose in denying it. But I am not—and I don't want to be—an American. Not completely…not like this."

Now open your eyes, silently think for a few moments about what she said, and return to my words—or rather, echoes of someone else'.

"…Being Mexican-American is tough. The Anglos jump all over you if you don't speak English perfectly. Mexicans jump all over you if you don't speak Spanish perfectly. We gotta be twice as perfect as everyone else," so said a character from the 1997 hit movie "Selena."...

... middle of paper ...

...n prom queen: A bookish girl, I've always been awkward in crowds, and people's first impression of me usually is that of a nervous, withdrawn little creature. An unfortunate gift from the past, you may call it, shaped by years of stern guidance and harsh social opinions.

But all those years are gone, no matter how happy or gloomy they may be. I don't seek to relive the past, I simply need to make peace with it and somehow move on, as myself, under the sunlight of Manhattan and the shadows created by its glorious skyscrapers.

Works Cited

Cofer, Judith Ortiz. "Silent Dancing." Encounters: Essays for Exploration and Inquiry. Pat C. Hoy II and Robert DiYanni. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Golden, Arthur. Memoirs of a Geisha. New York: Random House. 1999.

Selena. Dir. Gregory Nava. Pref. Jennifer Lopez. Becky Lee Meza. Edward James Olmos. Warren Brothers. 1997.

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