Reflection Paper On Grief

Grief is a process, not a switch. One cannot turn off grief. One cannot hide from grief. The only way to work through one’s grief is by going through each step of the grieving process. This does not always happen on a timeline. Grief is certainly not linear, and infertility grief is especially nonlinear. I believe that all people who are experiencing infertility are grieving parents. I am a childless mother, with empty arms and a grieving heart. Even though I have not directly experienced the loss of a child, each cycle is a reminder that my arms will remain empty. Infertility cycles are experienced with both hope and loss. Every month I hope that I will become pregnant, and every month that hope is crushed. This highest-of-highs to lowest-of-lows roller coaster is unique, in that the losses are compounding. Each failed cycle adds to the grief and opens the wound like a scab being pulled off a freshly healed sore. Month after month, cycle after cycle, treatment after treatment, the losses compound and build upon each other. Grief expands. When I first started this journey, I wasn’t nearly as disappointed in a failed cycle as I am now. Grief is inevitably a part of anyone’s infertility journey. Grieving each “loss” is an integral part of the process towards becoming a parent. In my experience, in order to make decisions on which step to take next with clarity, it is essential to grieve losses individually and in a purposeful manner.

The first stage of grief is denial. After an infertility diagnosis or failed cycle one may think it was an error or that the doctor was wrong. They will not believe it at first and will conjure up many reasons as to why the tests were “thrown off.” They might say that they are fine and are not upset...

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...o accept the fact that I may never be a mother.

It is my personal experience that grief in a situation such as infertility, is a never ending cycle. It is a cycle that I assume can only be broken by having a child. I may never know. All I or anyone else dealing with this issue can hope for is to find peace and happiness among the storm that is infertility. During this process I have learned that in order to move on month after month, one has to feel all the phases of grief. I have learned to let myself be angry, sad, jealous, confused, and depressed. But I have also learned that I cannot stay in that place, I have to accept it and move on. How much longer I can go on will only be revealed in time. As the months and years go by I find myself leaning more towards accepting a childless life. The grieving process has consumed my world, and I am tired of battling it.