Enhancing Narrative Voice for Atmospheric Impact

763 Words2 Pages

Jerome: “The narrative voice currently does not contribute to the atmosphere. Modify the sentence structure to this end.” I think that Jerome’s suggestion is thought-provoking as it does lead me to question my voice in this piece. When I was writing this piece, I did not think much about the atmosphere and how my voice directly impacts it, which I will admit is a force of a bad habit. Now, the atmosphere I believe contributes to the showing aspect of “show, don’t tell,” and establishing it through tone is a wonderful skill to have. However, I am also thankful that Jerome managed to spot this and lead me to this direction which will greatly help me improve my writing. One thing I can do to improve my voice is to incorporate more figurative languages such as personification and metaphors. Because I am aiming for a tense atmosphere, especially near the end, perhaps I can personify the sirens. In the last paragraph, instead of simply stating “the sound of sirens,” I can change the “sound” to “screech,” thus making it “the screech of sirens.” This will make the sirens more “rabid” and threatening to Mary, thus contributing to the tense atmosphere. Jerome: “Vocabulary could possibly …show more content…

Vocabulary is an essential part of “show, don’t tell,” as it provides the reader with a clearer picture of what is actually going on in the scene. Some of my vocabulary are indeed out of place for the mood, such as word “breathed” in the last paragraph. To add to the suspense, I feel that the word “gasped” can be substituted as it better suits the situation, that is the shocked Mary responding to the nearby sirens. Furthermore, when describing the grass, the word “concealed” can be changed to “shrouded” as I believe that the word shrouded provides a more mysterious feel. The word concealed simply reminds me of makeup, and that is not what I am going for in this

Open Document